It’s hard trying to make yourself happy when you have a lot of problems to face and when you’re hurting inside. It’s tiring when you keep on doing good things to people who just take you for granted. It’s painful hiding my real emotions for the sake of other people’s happiness. All these are currently happening to me. I’m in the state of knowing myself more, discovering what I can do and strengthening my faith and stand onto the things I believe in.
What is happening to me? I don’t want to break down. No. I’m controlling this. I have to control myself from bursting. I don’t know if I’ll cry, where I want to go, who I want to be with and how I’ll manage myself from being hurt over and over again. I know this is part of everyone’s life and I understand why certain things happen, but can I just take a break?
I’m tired of thinking about why hurtful things happen to me. I don’t know why I experience those. Napapagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na ko! Minsan gusto ko nang sumuko. Minsan gusto ko na lang maglaho para takasan lahat ng sakit na binibigay sakin ng mga taong pinahalagahan ko. Pinipilit kong intindihin lahat kahit sampal na sa mukha ko na wala na kong magagawa dahil nangyari na. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kung sino pa yung mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko, sila pa yung sisira ng lahat. I’m trying not to involve others because of a person’s mistake. Ayoko mandamay ng iba. I don’t want to generalize people. Everyone is different, I KNOW! The thing is, why do some people leave me? And when they do, I feel like I did something wrong or anything. Confusions follow when they return and I don’t have any idea what the hell went wrong.
Mahirap manghula. Lagi ko yan sinasabi sa mga kaibigan ko o sa mga taong malapit sa akin. I want everyone to be straightforward especially to me. I don’t care kung masaktan niyo ko basta sabihin niyo sakin kung anong laman ng isip niyo. If it’s about my negative traits, COMMENTS ARE HIGHLY APPRECIATED. Mas gugustuhin ko pang makarinig ng mga bagay na mali tungkol sakin kesa sa paulit-ulit na compliments. Compliments will always be there. Pero yung mga mali ko, gusto ko malaman para mabago ko. Ganun yun. I don’t want to remain like this. Nahihirapan ako, sobra.
I hate it when I’m given false hopes. Hindi kasi ako naging ganun eh. I’m true to my words. I keep my promises. Kung may mga panahon na minsan hindi ko kaagad natutupad yung pangako ko, I have reasons behind. But that doesn’t mean I’m running away from it. It’s just that may mga bagay ay hindi inaagad-agad. I don’t rush things. Please wait because I’m burning my time thinking if my actions would be favorable for all of us. Trust me, I do things according to what I say - or even more. If you’re concerned and don’t want me to get hurt, please don’t say anything that I’ll hold on to. Wag mo kong paaasahin sa wala. Please lang. Hindi porket nakikipag biruan ako o nakikipagtawanan ay pwede mo kong saktan ng ganun-ganun na lang.
I’m thinking why fate leads me to this. Minsan tuloy feeling ko yung tadhana na mismo ang nagiging ‘paasa’. I don’t want to be tired of being optimistic. Ayoko talaga. It’s just that things happen beyond my control. Pessimism takes place. Minsan kahit gaano pa ko ka-positive para lang umiwas sa kalungkutan, hindi kinakaya. Para bang na-prove na yung isang bagay para lalo ako mawalan ng pag-asa. But giving up is not in my vocabulary. I never quit. But this time, I feel like quitting.
Masakit lang talaga ang pag mukhain kang tanga. Paniniwalain ka sa mga kasinungalingan. Hindi mo alam kung anong ginawa mo para gawin sayo yung mga ganung bagay. Hindi ko alam kung kanino ako maaawa eh. Kung sa akin dahil nagkaroon sila ng pagkakataon para lokohin ako o sa mga taong patuloy na gumagawa sa akin nun o sa mga taong masyadong masaya sa mga buhay nila pag nakikita nila kong nasasaktan. Ano ba ako?
I know this is another drama. THE HELL I CARE! Wag niyong basahin kung ayaw niyo. It’s just that nalulungkot at naiinis ako sa mga sunod-sunod na nangyayari sa buhay ko ngayon. Nandiyan yung iiwan ako tas babalik. Meron ding nagsabi na nandiyan lang siya pero iiwan din pala ko. Talaga nga naman. Masakit, nakakalungkot, at nakakainis pero wala akong magawa.
I know I can’t have everything in life. All I ask for is to have somebody who’ll stay true to me.
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